Magicka 2 sing along entry

Godzilla fan trailer

Blogger IS my best friend.

I'm reaching out to my internet Blog because I don't want to bother anybody else with my issues. I know they all have their issues to deal with and I don't want to hear the empty platitudes that are so often offered in the guise of comfort but really stated to shut you up. I realize it's not cognizant usually when someone does this but it happens.  Sadly, I usually will pretend to feel better so the *platitudner doesn't feel bad. I don't want them to feel they failed. Stupid! Whatever...you know what I mean Blogger? Of course you do.

I feel so scared. I want to be positive. I should be happy. I have a job now...well soon. I'm supposedly stable now. I've failed so much in the past though that I'm just not sure I even have what it takes to succeed. I've heard people say "look at your past success to build strength. Let's see, I have managed to stay off crack for 10 years. I have leveled out on my meds. I just want to be levelheaded and focused now. I want to own a home before I'm too old to work. I want to have a degree and a successful job that I can feel proud of. I am almost there. I've almost been there so many times before though that it's very difficult to feel confident. Typing this makes me feel better.

Blogger site, you always cheer me up. You're such a good listener and you never try to shut me up. I could just type forever and you wouldn't care. Well, actually I'm sure you have a character limit but who knows what that could be.

*platitudner is a word I have just created. All words in all language of humans were created by humans. Why should I be denied that right. The definition is the offerer of platitudes. See platitude.

You win...

...whoever the infamous you is that doesn't want me to succeed or be happy or feel like existing...yeah you...you win!

I don't have a good excuse. I'm just mentally ill. Fuck! I guess! I mean I was abused as a child, my marriage is a disaster, I have no job, my vehicle sucks, I have no retirement, I'm so in debt I didn't even notice we were in a recession... but I can't seem to stay at work when I'm supposed to anyway. This shit is just miserable! Depression fucking sucks! It's chemical. Everything could be perfect and I'd still feel like shit without a magic pill! WTF! It just sneaks up on me. No wonder no one wants to be around me. I don't mean to feel sorry for myself but I don't have anyone else to talk to because it seems everyone else is sick of hearing it. For Christ Sake! I have friends with real problems like cancer, divorce, drug problems, prison, juvenile delinquents! I should be grateful! My husband, although we are practically divorced, still sticks by me even though I'm crazy. I know it's for Jimi. Once Jimi's gone he's probably out of here too. My intimate friend who held me at night and I could tell anything too, yeah he decided to relapse and steal a car so he's in prison now. That's OK. The one prior to that ran off with the fucking carnival! The one prior to that was a homeless bum! Thank God I didn't live with any of them! I was smart in that regard. They were too actually! My poor kid. He doesn't deserve this shit! He's the only one I'm nice too but who knows how long that will last. I'd relapse on booze but it doesn't help either. Pot, tried it. It's fun but it doesn't help. Wellbutrin, prozac, paxil...tried 'em. I'm at the end of the non-narcotic line. I have to pretend Wellbutrin works because it's the closest, non-narcotic thing that sort of does and I DON"T want to take some damn sleepy pill! LOL! The last thing this 'ol junkie needs is to get strung out on some pill that I can't afford once my insurance lapses. Then there's the very real possibility that I might be disabled. Oh GOD! Mentally Disabled! GREAT! FUCK! LOL! It's almost funny because I probably have been for a long time. I just keep trying to help other people to distract me from myself so I haven't really noticed...now the problem is all the people I used to hang out with moved, moved on, or really don't need to hear me whine so I don't contact them much, and I don't feel like meeting new people. What would they be then...fresh meat! AHahahaha! Yep! I'm fucking crazy I guess. shit! I have a doctors appointment on Monday I think and then on Wednesday or something like that. Who knows.

My Birthday

No job

boyfriend in jail

nowhere to go on my birthday

you'd think I'd be sadder.

Lemon meringue pie

incredible 11 year old son

friends that love me

pot in my pipe &

guitar's in tune

I've never been happier!

Today

Note to self; Regardless of what has happened, will happen or is happening the only thing I have control of is myself. Today I will strive to be positive and strong in the face of adversity. Right now I will be grateful for right now because it may be all I have.

I miss not missing someone

I think I'm going to try this alone thing a little while and see how it works out. It sounds really lonely but I could use a few days without being disappointed or disappointing someone.