I don't have a good excuse. I'm just mentally ill. Fuck! I guess! I mean I was abused as a child, my marriage is a disaster, I have no job, my vehicle sucks, I have no retirement, I'm so in debt I didn't even notice we were in a recession... but I can't seem to stay at work when I'm supposed to anyway. This shit is just miserable! Depression fucking sucks! It's chemical. Everything could be perfect and I'd still feel like shit without a magic pill! WTF! It just sneaks up on me. No wonder no one wants to be around me. I don't mean to feel sorry for myself but I don't have anyone else to talk to because it seems everyone else is sick of hearing it. For Christ Sake! I have friends with real problems like cancer, divorce, drug problems, prison, juvenile delinquents! I should be grateful! My husband, although we are practically divorced, still sticks by me even though I'm crazy. I know it's for Jimi. Once Jimi's gone he's probably out of here too. My intimate friend who held me at night and I could tell anything too, yeah he decided to relapse and steal a car so he's in prison now. That's OK. The one prior to that ran off with the fucking carnival! The one prior to that was a homeless bum! Thank God I didn't live with any of them! I was smart in that regard. They were too actually! My poor kid. He doesn't deserve this shit! He's the only one I'm nice too but who knows how long that will last. I'd relapse on booze but it doesn't help either. Pot, tried it. It's fun but it doesn't help. Wellbutrin, prozac, paxil...tried 'em. I'm at the end of the non-narcotic line. I have to pretend Wellbutrin works because it's the closest, non-narcotic thing that sort of does and I DON"T want to take some damn sleepy pill! LOL! The last thing this 'ol junkie needs is to get strung out on some pill that I can't afford once my insurance lapses. Then there's the very real possibility that I might be disabled. Oh GOD! Mentally Disabled! GREAT! FUCK! LOL! It's almost funny because I probably have been for a long time. I just keep trying to help other people to distract me from myself so I haven't really noticed...now the problem is all the people I used to hang out with moved, moved on, or really don't need to hear me whine so I don't contact them much, and I don't feel like meeting new people. What would they be then...fresh meat! AHahahaha! Yep! I'm fucking crazy I guess. shit! I have a doctors appointment on Monday I think and then on Wednesday or something like that. Who knows.
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